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Sep. 21, 2011

Look On My Works, ye Parents, and Despair!

by Sam Flatow

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Some of the best known brands in America have arsenic in their applejuice!

PANIC!!

Ok, stop panicking. Dr. Oz is here to save you from the FDA and horrible juice conspirators. He tested several brands of apple juice and found that they contained too much arsenic, which:

“… messes up the way our DNA repairs itself. Now you have DNA that is ill formed, it can form cancer cells, it can lead to blotches on the skin but sometimes also cancerous lesions here, but also in our lungs. We can get cancers in other parts of the body…I am not saying that arsenic is causing cancer in our kids.”

Ok, Arsenic is not causing cancer in our kids; but it can cause lung cancer and cancerous skin legions and cancer everywhere and you’re feeding it to your offspring and it’s sneaking up behind you to eat your brains!!! “…it also effects how our nerves work meaning it can effect the IQ of our children…” That’s right, Dr. Ozymandias is implying that apple juice can make your children stupid, possibly mentally handicapped.

Thank you Wonderful Wizard/Dr. Oz. I’m glad there are people like you.

Poison!

Instead of getting the medal that he deserves, Dr. Ozzy-the-Bear received not one, but two letters from the FDA. The first claimed that the doctor didn’t differentiate between harmful and harmless arsenic. The second said that his tests must be “erroneously high” because every other lab found far less of the substance.

What does that even mean, “erroneously high”? Is that when you get your foot stuck in a hot air balloon? Why is the FDA talking about hot air balloons when there is super serious business to attend to? You know what, you’re “erroneously high!” Maybe the FDA stands for Federation of Delicious Apple-juice! Aha! That’s why you’re changing the subject to balloons!

Who do these Formidable Death Agents think they are anyway, scientists? The food police? Masked heroes that keep our sippy cups safe in the night? Bah I say! They seem more like poison pushers to me. I’ll put my faith in Dr. Ozzy-Ozbourne. He’s a winner, the first person to receive the beloved “Pigasus” award by the James Randi Educational Foundation two years in a row as one of the “5 Worst Promoters of Nonsense”.

Of course, this means he is very bad at promoting nonsense and thus supports medically proven individuals including John Edward, the man that talks to dead people only he can see. Keep in mind that John Edward does not, I repeat, does not have schizophrenia. He’s got a note from a doctor that says so.

Well, I’ve officially run out of usable “Oz” puns, please write more in the comments.

About Sam Flatow

Sam is an assistant producer at Science Friday where he prepares the tasty SciFri snacks and blogs about smart cephalopods and zombie ants.

The views expressed are those of the author and are not necessarily those of Science Friday.

Science Friday® is produced by the Science Friday Initiative, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization.

Science Friday® and SciFri® are registered service marks of Science Friday, Inc. Site design by Pentagram; engineering by Mediapolis.

 

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